December 29th, 2008

Subject: It's crazy Time: 12:24 am Current Mood: drained

going from one to two.

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November 12th, 2008

Subject: You think you know, but you have no idea. Time: 01:36 am Current Mood: determined

So Coen and I go to the park today, and you know, Coen is in his usual get up of a superhero cape of some sort, a mask, and today, a shirt that says "i <3 BOOBIES". The whole time we were there, I felt a sour feeling in my stomach. The way people would look at us. I could hear them talking. So what if my kid was the only kid at the park in a costume? That's how he rolls. But I hate it because I feel so uncomfortable because I know everyone is judging us. Fast forward. This afternoon we go home and take a nap, and yet again, I fall asleep and my blood sugar plummets and I wake up to a half dozen EMTs hovering around me. It already happened last Friday. Ambulance, emergency room, the whole thing. And the thing is, I get SO frustrated, because it feels like things like this happen when I am genuinely trying to work hard and make sure I'm healthy. When I first got pregnant, and I was trying to take my insulin and everything, this sort of thing happened to me a few times. I bottomed out, and it just sorta freaked me out. I was scared I wasn't going to wake up. So yeah, I stopped taking as much insulin. I figured, hey, being a little high was better than not waking up one day because I went too low. So when the doctors figured out what I was doing, they made a big deal about how I don't care about my baby, and that I needed to just follow their orders. So I have been. For about a month or so. I've been trying really hard to eat right and take my insulin and check my sugars. Everything. And it's been hard for me. I don't like feeling low, or sick all the time. And it makes me so frustrated that all of this has started happening again, but at the same time, it hurts most of all that people assume that it's because I'm not doing what I'm supposed to. No. When that was the case, I didn't have to go into the hospital, and I didn't almost die, and I didn't feel sick all the time. Nobody knew, because I didn't have any symptoms. Now that this is all happening, everyone is looking at me like "what is she doing wrong? or not doing?" Like I must not be taking care of myself. Look, I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't judge me. You have NO idea what is going on in my world. I don't like being sick. It's not like I'm doing this because I purposefully don't want to live or something. I would never intentionally put my little baby in danger. It kills me that it keeps happening. And I have two boys that I live and breathe for every day. You don't know the inner demons I've been facing ever since I've been sick. Honestly, I'm so scared to death that I'm going to fall asleep and not be able to wake up. I don't like being this way, and I'm still trying and learning and falling and picking myself back up. But until you have to live one day like this, please don't pass judgement on me. Because you really have no idea what I have to go through everyday just to live a normal life like the rest of you.

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November 3rd, 2008

Subject: You can say what you want Time: 08:30 pm Current Mood: loved

I love my little boy.

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October 9th, 2008

Subject: I used to believe in Happily Ever After... Time: 09:56 pm Current Mood: contemplative

It's hard to imagine, but recent events have brought me to the realization that no matter what I have grown into, once I was a little girl. I was somebody's little girl. I believed that marriage could last. I believed love actually meant something. I thought all little girls grew up and got married and had babies and that's the way it went. And I'm a lot more cynical now, and I know that life happens and sometimes you don't fall in love and get married to have babies. But I was happy once. And I was innocent once. And love songs made me cry. And I believed in something. And no matter what kind of person I grow into, and no matter what events are presented to me, nobody can take any of those things away from me.

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August 12th, 2008

Subject: Sometimes Time: 10:50 pm Current Mood: pissed off

You have a sneaking suspicion that someone close to you is behind something that you are not happy with. Like, you know that you really can't point the finger, but you JUST KNOW that they are behind some of your problems. That's how I feel right now. Mind your own fucking business. Quit butting in and pretending like you don't know what's going on.

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April 29th, 2008

Subject: So apparently nobody use there LJ anymore. Time: 09:18 pm Current Mood: cranky

Perfect. I hella need to vent about this pregnancy. First, eww. Sick all the time. Sick, moody, hella hormonal. Like a ticking time bomb. Going out sucks. It sucks being the only sober person in a room full of people. It sucks that I don't know what's going on with baby daddy #2. He never talks to me. When we're together we just mingle with other people, then have sex, then fall asleep. It doesn't help that he works all the time so I like never see him. I don't know what he wants. I don't know what we are. I don't know what's gonna happen. Ugh. I'm so fat. I should NOT be this fat already. My belly is huge! People keep asking me if I'm having twins! And people at work are such shit talkers. It's like, shut up already! Mind your own business. All I gotta keep telling myself is...beautiful, healthy baby...beautiful...healthy...baby. It's gonna be a looong next few months!

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February 11th, 2008

Subject: valentines Time: 06:10 am Current Mood: indescribable

Is for the birds.

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February 3rd, 2008

Subject: living in your world, dying in mine. Time: 02:20 am Current Mood: confused

I am so confused about everything right now. Like should I get back with her? Or should I start seeing other people? Can I make it on my own if I move out? Should I take the promotion at work? Sometimes I feel like im living in a world that's not even mine. Life is such a blur.

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January 11th, 2008

Subject: hands down wtf?! Time: 10:08 am

I had the WEIRDEST night pretty much fucking ever.

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January 1st, 2008

Subject: crappy. new year. Time: 08:38 am Current Mood: sick

Just because people are wishing you a happy new year doesn't mean this year isn't going to be a fucking huge disappointment like the years previous. Especially with resolutions like hers. [Setting myself up for failure]

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July 18th, 2007

Subject: I feel good. Time: 12:03 pm Current Mood: bored

Things are good. No. Things are great! Umm, I'm soooo glad that I'm back home. SO GLAD! I'm glad that I get to be with my gf all the time, and that all my shit is unpacked. And that Jackie wears holey underwear, and that her friends have American Idol game, and that her dad likes to give lap dances. And that Kathy Griffin and Paula Abdul have their own shoes. Oh God. Anyways. Bored. Me. Some holla atcha girl.

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May 21st, 2007

Subject: Oi vey Time: 12:04 pm Current Mood: drained

Yesterday I got a job gripping boards at Zumiez. To celebrate, I want to the strip bar with my friends and dropped $100 on strippers. Hehe. Then this creepy guy was hitting on Christa, and when she started ignoring him, he looked at me. I was like, oh hell no. But other than that I had the best time. Even if I did get home at 3:30 in the morning.

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May 20th, 2007

Subject: Like I said, GROW UP. Time: 12:53 am Current Mood: pissed off

Your son had one of the most major milestones of his life today, and you were too drunk to take part in it. Good job.

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May 9th, 2007

Subject: Sometimes we forgot what we got. Who we are. And who we are not. Time: 02:24 pm Current Mood: hopeful

I'm in love with a girl, Who's in love with the world, Though I can't help but follow. Though I know some day, She is bound to go away, And stay over the rainbow.

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April 29th, 2007

Subject: Feed the birds, poppins a pound. Time: 01:38 pm Current Mood: sleepy

So Fetish Night was pretty much fun. Except for only being hit on by creepy old man that slapped and grabbed my ass which was gross, and being propositioned by chicks, only to find out they needed a third wheel for their swinger sessions. Double gross. But dancing was fun. Drinking was fun. Checking out hot chicks with their shirts off was fun. Denny's was the best. I kept calling this old lady Joan Rivers because she looked exactly like her. And this old guy across the way had a big boner. I almost died and peed myself at the same time because I couldn't stop staring and pointing and laughing. I'm a very loud drunk, I must say. Next time I'm going to get a fire and a knife massage. It looked hella cool. Tonight I'm going to Tepanaki's with Jillian from work. We are going to dine on sushi and yakisoba. Sounds delicious. 3 more days til Jackie, my love. Loads of fun planned. Late.

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April 24th, 2007

Subject: Wanna die cunt? Time: 07:03 pm Current Mood: determined

There is this little cunt that is being a bitch to me at work, and if she doesn't buck up by Saturday, I'm going to kick her fucking ass. Any questions?

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April 16th, 2007

Subject: My friends are better than yours. Time: 11:21 pm Current Mood: excited

I don't think anyone realizes how great of friends I have. I mean, I think even I have taken advantage of how lucky I am. I am so appreciative of the fact that so many of them are willing to fly all the way out here to see me. It's amazing. I love and miss them all so much. I absolutely cannot wait to see them. Jackie. April. Tobi. Thanks guys. No. Really.

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April 13th, 2007

Subject: Who I am hates who I've been. Time: 12:37 am

So I finally got around to scrapbooking Coen's Christmas pictures and Easter pictures. He really is beautiful. I love scrapbooking his pictures and memories so he can have them when he gets older. Hopefully I am around to see him grow. He is such a special little boy. On another note, I am so frustrated with my work. Everyone always asks me to take their shifts, and they have really good excuses why they can't come in. I feel really bad, so I always take everyones shifts. Like today. I covered a girl's shift. I don't mind. Except for one thing. I have only asked for somebody to cover my shifts two times. Nobody would do it. They all had excuses. Now this Saturday, I need to switch shifts or have a shift covered because I don't have a sitter. Guess what? Nobody can do it. Surprisingly, every single person that is off is OUT OF TOWN. Come on. EVERY SINGLE PERSON? It really hurts my feelings that nobody is willing to return the favor. It's like nobody has any respect for me. They only call when they need a favor. I am literally pissed. It's gotten to the point that I don't want to take any more shifts for people. And it's sad, because I am a genuinely nice person. I would do anything for anyone. But if nobody can give me the same respect, I'm not going to be nice about it anymore. Anyways, I'm really excited that Jackie is going to come visit me in May. It makes me feel really good that somebody loves me enough to come out here just to see me. She is such a good friend. She always knows how to brighten my day. I only wish that I can make it fun for her. I have lots of plans of things we can do while she's here. I haven't been sleeping very good lately. It's kind of making me worried. I don't know why. I've been sick since Easter, but it's been longer than that, so I don't think that could be it. One night I stayed up until 5:30 am. And then I woke up at 9:30 and didn't go back to sleep. It's freakin crazy. Well, I hope all my friends will keep in touch. I miss everyone terribly. If anyone wants, they can AIM me: coensmommy. Love you!

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March 29th, 2007

Subject: In Pictures Time: 12:57 pm Current Mood: sad

Ive got his photograph on a stand by my bed Two on the mantle and thousands in my head I cant believe how fast hes growing It aint supposed to be like this Everytime I look at him I see how much Ive missed I missed his first steps his first words and I love you daddy Is something Ive seldom heard Oh it hurts me so to watch my baby grow up in pictures I send the money down do my best to do my part But it cant compare with what Ive paid with my heart Theres still one unanswered question that weighs heavy on my mind Will he ever understand the reasons why I missed his first steps and his first words and I love you daddy Is something Ive seldom heard Oh it hurts me so to watch my baby grow up in pictures It takes all I have to keep the tears inside And what I wouldnt give if I could turn back time I missed his first steps his first words and I love you daddy Is something Ive seldom heard Oh it hurts me so to watch my baby grow up in pictures

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March 28th, 2007

Subject: Oh God, I hope nobody reads this. Time: 12:10 am Current Mood: numb

This is why I can't get shit out of my head. I used to have this person who told me they loved me all the time, and that I was beautiful. And I knew that person meant it because they would say it at my most vulnerable time when I was the least loveable and least beautiful. But I would push this person away because I felt fat and ugly and horrible, and I didn't think I was worthy of any kind of love. I felt that nobody should love me because I was unloveable. I pushed them away to the point that they no longer love me and no longer tell me I'm beautiful, because they don't. I have been replaced, and that's what hurts the most. I have been replaced, and it's an awful feeling because there is nothing I can do about it. They love someone else and they want someone else and they long for someone else. Someone else is what they wake up thinking about, and someone else is what they go to bed thinking about. Not me. Someone else makes them smile when they are thinking about them. And the truth is, I still love this person more than anything in the whole entire world. I love them, and I can't stop thinking about them, or crying about them, and I curse myself everyday that I fucked things up so badly. And I cry every night because I can't sleep anymore, because that person isn't shoved up close to me with my arm wrapped tightly around them and our legs aren't curled into one anothers, because that's they only way I could sleep and they are thinking about having that personal intimacy with this someone else. And God, I told them I loved them and I was sorry and it's just too late. I would die if I could take it back. In fact, sometimes I wish I could die so badly because I just want the pain to go away for the stupid mistakes that I made. And I think about it all the time. And there is absolutely no one else I could ever be with because there is no one else I could love more deeply than I love this person. Even if this person replaced me with his someone else. I don't know what to do anymore. How I can move on from a love that was so great, that it will never be able to be replaced. And I try to put on a face and a voice and a lie because that's all I know how to do. And I try to lie and be supportive and pretend that I'm okay, but I'm really not okay. My insides hurt so badly that I want to lash out, which I do on occasions. And I'm tired of hearing people telling me to get over it, because I can't. And I'm tired of people telling me they understand, because they don't. They don't know me. The only person that really knows me is that person, and even that person doesn't even understand because they got over me. So what? What do I do? What do you possibly do when you have the choice of moving on or dying, and the latter of the two sounds like the more favorable option? Please. I'm dying to know.

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